It's been a long week or two weeks since I've last written. My boss has treated me like crap at time or two, and (not surprisingly) I really, really didn't like it. I don't like being yelled at or blamed for someone else's mistakes, and that's what happened recently at work. I honestly don't understand how some people can look at themselves in the mirror and sleep well at night when they can speak to their employees the way my employer speaks to his employees at times and then pretend like nothing has happened, let alone not even bother to apologize for his behavior. I'm really grateful that I have a job with some benefits where I'm able to learn, but I hope that at some point in the not too distant future, that I will have a job with some kind of HR structure so that I don't have to put up with this bullshit (or at least not as much of this bullshit).
Anyway, next on the list of things that have occurred is some news a friend of my received last week. She and her husband separated a few months ago (they're my age) and of course that's really sad. My friend has a dog who's 9 years old, and she just found out that he has a very aggressive cancer that is terminal. And, she learned of his diagnosis I think the day after her birthday. That really sucks. Sometimes the calamities of life just hit you all at once. I definitely hugged my dogs a little tighter (but not too tight--I didn't want their eyes to bug out of their heads!!) and gave them some extra kisses after I heard about my friend's dog. She's obviously very sad. Her boss very graciously donated $300 to her account at her vet so that her dog could stay in doggie day care during the day and be cared for while she's at work, and she wouldn't have to worry about him. He did it anonymously, but somehow she found out that it was him, and she was obviously very touched. I wanted to do something for her, so I also donated some money to her account at the vet, about $100, to help pay for the doggie day care bills. I hope that the end of her dog's life will be spent in peace with loving care and that, as sad as my friend is, it will help her to know that he is being looked after. I really do feel so sad for her, though.
I went out on a date last weekend with a guy I'd been corresponding with/talking with for a couple of weeks (so I only took about a couple of days break from online dating, haha!). I was really looking forward to our date. This guy definitely seemed like my "type"--educated, a professional, friendly, funny, loves dogs, close to his family, cultured, sociable, and so on. We met at a wine bar in town--actually one I'd never been to. I had a great time on the date just talking to him and getting to know him. He really seemed like he was enjoying himself too and having a nice time. I certainly wanted to see him again, and I hoped he felt the same way. However, after a couple of days, I had not heard anything from him, so I sent him a fairly benign text message, and I never received a reply.
This was really disappointing and frustrating. I don't know what men are looking for. I understand if two people don't connect or click on a date--believe me I've had that happen before, and it's pretty obvious when that happens. But I didn't feel like that happened here. I'm very good looking, very well educated, I have a job, and really have a lot going for me and a lot to offer, so it's hard for me to face the fact that I'm still single and alone. I just don't understand why I apparently don't have any luck in this part of my life. It also still really stings that He Who Shall Not Be Named has moved on and found someone else that he's really into and they seem so happy together (especially after he used me and was so careless with my feelings) and here I am still alone and unhappy about that. I had hoped that I would have found someone by now that I would have been deliriously happy with and would have been able to experience all of the wonderful things about being in a good relationship and being treated the way I should be treated. But that hasn't happened, and it's really discouraging. Sometimes just after I turn out my light at night when I go to bed, in the few minutes before I fall asleep, I think about my fears that I will never find someone that makes me happy, who I can make happy, someone who makes me feel (at least in the good ways) that He Who Shall Not Be Named made me feel at times. I don't like that feeling or that fear.
My Mom and others have told me that the best way to meet people is when you're not looking. I suppose there's something to that, and I suppose that maybe I look too hard too often. She told me that she thinks a lot of the men on dating websites are just out for a good time (she didn't say it quite like that!) and perhaps aren't really looking for a commitment. I definitely wonder about that.
Some months ago, as I began to move on from He Who Shall Not Be Named, I decided that I would fill my life with other things and activities that were of meaning to me (since my personal life was essentially nothing!). I wanted to be involved in these other things, but I also think I've viewed them as a way of trying to heal my broken heart and move on and (cliche though it is) get some kind of direction in my life (because I generally feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly). I've become a mentor to a young adolescent, and I'm just about to start tutoring a person who needs to improve reading skills. I'm involved in some other volunteer and professional activities as well. I really enjoy all of these things that I do, I'm glad that I can do them, and I'm looking forward to seeing where they lead me.
And, finally, it wouldn't be a blog post (ok well maybe) without a reference to Mother Dearest. Ok, well I referenced her earlier, but that doesn't count. I love her dearly, but geez she's agitates me and hurts my feelings so much sometimes. I don't feel like she's the same person she was just a few years ago. She really doesn't pay that much attention to me, and I really miss that. I'd say that at least two-thirds of the time that I call her on the phone, probably between 3-5 minutes into the conversation she says something like: "well, I'm not trying to rush off of the phone, but I really can't talk/I have to go/etc." It just seems like every time I try to talk to her, she has something else she needs to do. I frequently have to compete with her phone for her time and attention, and I really don't like that, it's very rude. I've tried to tell her how I feel about this, but she either doesn't acknowledge what I say, or she tells me that she doesn't want to hear it, or to leave her alone, or to stop being mean to her. She did pay attention to me earlier tonight but that was only because she was doing my hair, and she's obsessed with appearances and hair. She spent the entire time she was working on my hair talking about how she was a professional/artist (in terms of hair/makeup) and talking about how good she looks since she's had some work done on her face (she's always looked great, and now she looks even better). So basically, the entire conversation centered around her and how awesome she is. Oh, and when I put my hand in my hair (as she was finishing it up) to tell her I wanted a section of it styled slightly differently, she snapped at me and told me "get your hand out of your hair." It was really mean, the way she said it. Anyway, my Mom's a really unhappy person (just ask her, she'll tell you all about it) and her unhappiness just consumes her to the point where she lives in her own world. She doesn't understand that her children (or at the very least this child) still need her and could just use some normalcy from her. Unfortunately, I think those days, like many others, are gone forever.
So, what do you think? That's what's been going on in my life in the last week or two. Do you understand now why I drink?!!!! What's been going on in your life?
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