I Could Use Some Kind of Change (a lesson from How I Met Your Mother)

I was watching How I Met Your Mother earlier tonight (one of my favorite shows!), and one of the characters, Ted, was focused on the fact that he was still alone (i.e. no girlfriend/wife).  He was sad, frustrated, disappointed, and seemed a little beaten down. 

Ted's experienced unrequited love (another character on the show, Robin, doesn't feel the same way about him).  It's obvious that it's really sad for him--the feeling that he's putting himself out there, that he's a great guy with a lot to offer, but he still comes up empty.  I really identified with this.

But, at the end of the show, Ted realizes that there are essentially too many ghosts of past memories, past ideas, and past feelings lingering in his apartment.  He acknowledges that the ghosts will never be at rest until they have moved on.  He also appeared to realize that if something (be it a relationship, a job, or where you live) isn't a good fit (for whatever reason--maybe we never really know) that it really is better to know about this early on so that you don't waste years in an unhappy situation.  I know that all of these sentiments are true.

As the show was ending, I thought Ted was just going to be left sad, maybe a little lost, and charged with the task of determining "what's next" (I think that's a horrible feeling of emptiness, confusion, and I suppose what it must be like to have no ground underneath your feet).  Ted surprised me though!  Ok, ok, so it was the show's writers, I must give credit where credit is due!  Ted admitted that he needed a change, that this was the only way the ghosts of his past hopes and feelings would be a rest and be at peace, and he seemed to be optimistic about the future. 

I think I need a change.  There are many feelings, thoughts, broken promises, and unfulfilled wishes and dreams from my past that need to be put to rest.  I suppose I'm in a good place in my life, but I really believe that the shadows of all of these emotions, memories, and ideas I've had to say goodbye to keep me in a place that I don't want to be, a place that is unproductive, unhealthy, and completely useless.  I guess I'm still trying to find my own way to move on from so much and let things be at rest, and maybe I really don't know how. 

I have to wonder, though, if making some changes in my life would help.  I've been living more for myself recently (and that's a great thing!) by becoming more actively involved in causes/organizations that have meaning for me (i.e. volunteering my time), and I'm so glad that I can do this.  I actually just today decided to take an extended break from the online dating world.  I was tired of it--tired of looking!  I need a break from that, and I think I'll be a lot happier if I spend my time engaged in activities and pursuits that are of interest to me rather than looking for Mr. Right!  (Though I so identify with Ted with the feeling that you're never noticed or nothing ever seems to work out although you know how much you have to give and what a catch you are--I hope I am!).  I'm not sure what else to do--suggestions are welcome!! 

I need a little more pep in my step, I want to move forward, and, while I've tried to say goodbye to the feelings, emotions, and some of the dreams/plans I've had for my life, I want to be able to leave them in my past completely and remember (everyday remember!) that some of the best days of my life haven't even happened yet.  I want that to be what guides me.

This is a wonderful painting titled "Allegory of Fortune."  It's currently on loan to the Getty Museum in Los Angeles.  I believe that everything the painting represents is true:

"Found at a flea market and purchased for a modest sum by an anonymous buyer, the unwrapped, seven-foot Allegory of Fortune was strapped to the roof of a car and brought to Christie's auction house in New York City. There experts recognized it as an important, long-lost allegorical scene by the Ferrarese master Dosso Dossi.

While the painting's precise meaning remains a mystery, Dosso's message seems to be that prosperity in life is transitory and dependent on luck. The nude woman represents Fortune, or Lady Luck. She holds a cornucopia, flaunting the bounty that she could bring, but sits on a bubble because her favors are often fleeting. The billowing drapery is a reminder that she is changeable like the wind. Her single shoe symbolizes her ability to bring not only fortune but also misfortune.

The man on the left personifies chance. He looks over at Fortune and holds up a stack of lottery tickets, which he is about to place inside a golden urn, a timely reference to the civic lotteries that had just become popular in Italy. The tickets may also refer to the painting's probable patron, Isabella d'Este, Marchioness of Mantua. One of her emblems was a bundle of lots, denoting her personal experience with fluctuating fortune."

--The description of the painting on the Getty Museum's website

Remember The Greek Way

"The Greeks were keenly aware, terribly aware, of life's uncertainty and the imminence of death. Over and over again they emphasize the brevity and the failure of all human endeavor, the swift passing of all that is beautiful and joyful . . . [b]ut never, not in their darkest moments, do they lose their taste for life. It is always a wonder and a delight, the world a place of beauty, and they themselves rejoicing to be alive in it." 
                                                                                   --Edith Hamilton

I think the Greeks were much more enlightened than members of our modern day society.  They had a mature understanding of how challenging and heartbreaking (but also how wonderful) life can be.  For whatever reason(s) we continue to be shocked and deeply saddened by the acts of man and acts of God that occur which are inconsistent with our expecations and beliefs for how our lives should play out and how our world should function.  That's not to say that being sad, disappointed, and, indeed, feeling a range of emotions is wrong--it is all completely normal--but too often we adopt too dim of a view on our lives and "life" in general upon the receipt of, as Edith Hamilton wrote, "the failure of all human endeavor."  I believe we would all be much happier if we could at least try to remember and practice The Greek Way which is where we acknowledge and understand the uncertainity of our lives and the world we live in, yet we live our lives full of abundance and fervor for the wonder and delight that is always present (be it big or small at any given time) and rejoice to have the chance to be alive.

Here's your warning that the hammer's about to fall:

Bosses with NO Boundaries

Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm very much aware that I'm soooo lucky to be employed.  And I try to remember to give thanks for that everyday (even though there are things about my job that displease me).  I'm truly much better off than most of my contemporaries.  --As I write this, I'll take a moment to stop and give thanks and praise for that--- . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Anyway, that all being said, damn if I don't have and haven't previously had some employers who have no understanding of proper boundaries in the workplace.  First, about a year ago, the work environment I was in was completely intolerable.  I have never encountered anything like that in my life, and I do not think I ever will again (I mean, if I do, I'll just have to fucking off myself.....just kidding...not really...ok maybe a little...probably not).  My employer had a severe case of short man syndrome such that when I was wearing heels, as I did everyday, I was at least as tall as he is, if not taller--and it made him uncomfortable (actually most people made him uncomfortable because they were taller than he is).  He had an extraordinary amount of "nervous energy" and could not sit or in any way, shape, or form remain stationary.  He required an ink pen in his hands at all times, and he insisted upon clicking it incessantly ALL DAY LONG.  This noise bothered me so much (I have a little "condition" called Misophonia--look it up it's real--it's literally the hatred of noise) that I would have preferred being bound, gagged, and left naked on an ant hill covered in honey (yes, I took that line from The Golden Girls) to listening to it.  And, he burped out lout...disgusting and rude.

However, this was not the worst of his boundary-crossing behavior.  He did some really creepy stuff involving his zipper.  Yes, his zipper on his pants.  Imagine this: your boss (a very physically unattractive man) standing in the doorway to your office and you (a very beautiful woman) sitting at your desk trying to work, and your boss begins fidgeting with his belt buckle as he strikes up a conversation with you.  Yes, you can see this in your peripheral vision and you keep telling yourself "Don't look, don't look, oh this is so disgusting and creepy.  I'm so good looking and this short, fat, ugly, uncouth man is touching his belt buckle while talking to me and staring at me.  Something is very wrong with this picture."  Ohhhhh, but it gets better.  He then grabs his zipper, and slowly moves it up and down as he continues his conversation with you.  You continue to be completely sicked out by this behavior...but the strange thing is, you're never very sure if he's doing this intentionally or if it's some kind of weird nervous habit.  Nevertheless, due to this, as well as other behavioral issues with this person, you conclude your employment at this establishment after approximately 3 months of working there.

Yes, that was precisely my experience--no exaggerations.  One word:   eeeeewwwww!

Fast forward several months to the new job I have.  A much better work environment: better job, better pay, better town, better co-workers--essentially, I had become just like George and Weezy--I was moving on up and had finally gotten a piece of the pie!!!!

However, with as many good qualities as my new employer has, it became clear that this employer also had some issues with respecting boundaries (but in a different, less intrusive way [i.e. no behavior bordering on sexual harassment, but it's still weird]).  My employer is approximately my parents' age.  And, let me be clear, I don't like to hang out with my parents socially (at least not on a consistent basis).  I did hang with them about a week or two ago on a Saturday night, but that's not a regular thing.  It's cool to go eat dinner with them or go see a movie but that's about it in terms of social activities.  I'd rather spend my free time away from work with my friends (as in people my own damn age!!!).  So, my employer is CONSTANTLY asking me (and others in our place of business) the following questions: "So, what do you have going on this weekend?"  "Do you want to go out and get some dinner (or lunch)" "Hey let's go listen to this band (at some random hole in the wall joint on a Friday night after work).  After always being turned down by us, my employer still doesn't "get it" that we do not want to hang out with him.  It's nothing personal, but I have to spend about 50ish hours a week with this person.  At the end of the business day/week, I don't want to see this person anymore.  I want to go home and/or go see my friends.  If I'm gonna be spending my free time in a bar/club and/or listening to music, then it's gonna be with people my own age where I can act a fool if I damn well please, drink as much as I want to, and don't have my boss trying to be my "friend" or act like we're "friends."  The whole thing is just weird.

My boss also has very little understanding of everyone's life outside of work.  He even asks me from time to time (in the context of asking me what I have going on for dinner on a particular night and/or weekend) if I have some hot date lined up.  It makes me really uncomfortable, and I don't like it.  My personal life is not my employer's business (I don't discuss it with my employer, but he seems to think that it's fair game to bring up).

Anyway, there's more I could rant about.  I'm really glad the current employer isn't creepy like the former one (the former one's nickname was the "Creepy Munchkin").  But I really wish my current employer had a better understanding of how to interact with his employees in a more professional manner.  There is a difference in being friendly towards your employees and being friends with your employees.  I think there's too much room for unintentional abuse of the relationships when employers are friends with their employees and/or expect that their employees should be their friends and/or expect that there should be a social element to the workplace dynamic.

I really like the actual substantive work I'm doing.  I'm learning a lot (in a lot of different areas--not just the areas on the surface, so to speak, [I'm always trying to observe people to pick up tips for success in the broader areas of my field because I try to remember that someone will always be watching me].  But I hope that I'll continue to be like George and Weezy Jefferson and that I'll keep "moving on up" and that I'll finally get a "piece of the pie" and have a completely professional work environment.

He Who Shall Not Be Named

An "anonymous" letter I wrote to the man who broke my heart (I never sent it).  I think it speaks volumes about the damage he did to me.  But, I'm happy to share that I am moving on, and I'm glad that I don't have this toxic man in my life anymore.  I deserved and still deserve so much better.  [FYI, I run into him frequently and a tiny little part of me wants to ask him "What in the hell is your problem?"]  Yeeeeppp, this all caused me to do a lot of drinking and thinking!!

Dear He Who Shall Not Be Named:

I wanted and needed to write this letter for several months, and I’ve seriously tried to sit down and write it many times.  But, the thought of putting down on paper all of the thoughts, emotions, and feelings that I feel I need to express to you was very overwhelming.  However, I’ve finally gotten to the point in my life where I need to express what I am feeling so that I can move on and so that you will just become a distant memory of my past. 

While I believe our society uses the term “broken-heart” very loosely and without being careful to define what it really is, I want you to know that you, your behavior, your decisions, and your lack of forthrightness caused me deep, deep pain and broke my heart.  When I began dating you, I had never felt such interest in a man before.  It was so exciting—the frequent wonder of what might become from dating you, trying to get to know you, and, so I believed at the time, (I’ll never know for sure if this was authentic or fictitious) that belief that a handsome, successful, charming, smart, socially aware man really liked me. 

But I can see now as I write this that you mostly just enjoyed my company and that was it for you.  I don’t think you ever seriously considered any kind of deeper relationship with me.  And this makes me very angry and makes me feel and believe that I was taken advantage of—not because you did not consider something deeper, but because I made a sincere effort to be up front with you from the beginning about what I was looking for and what I was not looking for.  I was not an experienced dater when I met you and you certainly were.  And while I don’t believe you maliciously used this to your advantage, I do believe that you just naturally took advantage of this fact to selfishly string me along because you knew you could get away with it, even though I told you that I was looking to date one person, was not just out for a good time, and wanted to spend more time with you.  We’re both smart, intelligent people, and I have no doubt that it was obvious to you what I was looking for.

I should have called it quits with you after I finished the bar exam.  At that time I had been seeing you for around 8 months and there had been no formal declaration of a “relationship;” you would still from time to time rudely not return a phone call or text message; go off and do your own thing with your friends on the weekends/weeknights whenever you wanted to and then tried to fit me in on short notice when it was convenient to you (and you expected me to just come running and often seemed annoyed when I said “no, I’m sorry, tomorrow is not going to work for me, I’m busy with something else); you never expressed any interest in introducing me to any members of your family, not even your sister.  As I write this now, it seems so clear that you feel that your work, your family, and your little circle of friends are the main thing in your life (that’s not unusual it’s that way for most people) but that everyone else exists to suit your needs when it’s convenient for you.

Unfortunately, for reasons that included loneliness and boredom because I was not working, basic hope, and that part of my personality that will not let me concede defeat until I am absolutely certain that a situation is completely hopeless, I chose to continue to try to move forward with you.  And this is the point where I really believe you should have behaved differently out of basic human decency, honesty, and consideration for another person’s feelings.  The fact that you did not means that you are either unable to consider other people’s feelings/needs in conjunction with your own and/or put their feelings and needs ahead of yours in order to “do the right thing” based on the situation (which of course means you may have to be willing to choose to give something up or do without) or it means you are so selfish/self-absorbed and/or emotionally deficient that you are unable to recognize a situation when you should do this, or it means that you do not care—and none of these possibilities is good.

I had a conversation with you in September 2010 where I told you that we’d been seeing each other for several months and that I wanted to see you more and told you that you were important to me.  I was encouraged by this conversation because you responded and explained why you often had to schedule on short notice (information that I did not have previously) and it really seemed like you were making an effort.  Admittedly while there was no formal declaration of a relationship, after this conversation we started seeing each other more during the week and calling more on the phone.  It was actually a really happy time for me.  I really felt desired, really felt like you were finally recognizing how great I am, and was really hopeful as to what might be in the future because we seemed to connect really well and there was such good chemistry between us. 

But then November arrived, and at some point that month it became clear to me that something had changed.  You started to seem less responsive than you had in the previous weeks and while I never said anything to you about it, I essentially turned on my radar to be on the lookout for signs that you were seeing someone else.  I am many things but naïve is not one of them.  By the way, I know you think you are so smart and so much smarter than me, and that’s all probably true, but, you never got to know me well enough to realize that I have a phenomenal memory—not photographic, but close to that level.  And, because I am a woman, I am so detailed oriented that nothing gets past me.  I may not notice something immediately, but I will notice it eventually.  So, it soon became clear to me that there was very likely someone else in your home during the in between times when I was not there (when you’ve been in someone’s home enough you notice things, and I began to notice when items had been moved and/or touched ever so slightly such that it was obvious another person had been there). 

The beginning of the end came when I discovered that you were on a very popular dating website.  I remember the truly physically sick feeling I had when I saw your profile on there.  It was so shocking and so hurtful I can’t describe it.  I’ll just say it’s a feeling that I hope I never experience again in my life.  Technically you had done nothing wrong by being on there or continuing to be on there while seeing me.  You had never made any formal commitment to me.  However, I believe the “right” thing to do, the “honorable” thing to do in accordance with basic standards of human decency would have been to tell me, when we talked in September and I told you that you were important to me and that I wanted to see you more and you indicated that you were receptive to this, would have been to let me know that you weren’t ready to be exclusive and that I should be aware of that and to tell me that you just wanted me to know so that you didn’t mislead me.  Having that information then would have helped.  I don’t know if I would have stopped seeing you, but, I would have been more aware and I think I would have been spared a lot of the really intense pain I ended up experiencing.  But, I suppose you’re just one of those people who felt that you weren’t required to share this information with me, that you weren’t doing anything wrong, and, most importantly, didn’t have the concern for another person’s feelings (especially when it was so obvious how much that person liked you) such that you felt no obligation to be as upfront as possible.  That’s a very poor reflection of your character and how you treat people, and it’s just further confirmation that at your core if you have to choose between yourself and someone else, you’ll pick yourself every time.  You are a very selfish person.

Of course, the pain didn’t end there, because I found out that you were invited to your friend’s wedding and had not made any plans to take me as your date (this after a year of dating), and then a few days later turned around and invited me.  I’m still not sure why you did that.  I suppose now it’s because you realized I was starting to figure things out and that you were going to have to step it up a little bit to keep me happy and keep me around.  Additionally, I wasn’t aware of it until a few weeks later, but right around the time I told you that I cared about you and specifically told you not to hurt me, you went out to eat dinner with a former girlfriend.  And, while I was not there, whatever you said or did, you left her with the impression that the two of you were getting back together.  All the while, you’re still seeing me, and the two of us show up together at the a  Christmas party where the former girlfriend is also in attendance, and she gets a horrible shock when she realizes that you’ve been dating me this whole time and that we’ve come to this party together, all right in front of her.  Sadly, I can all too well relate to the shock and hurt she obviously felt when she saw this.

I think what may have been the most painful thing you did, though, had to be the Christmas present incident.  You set the tone for gift giving by giving me a present for my law school graduation and for my birthday.  They were gifts that were perfectly appropriate for the occasion.  So, with Christmas rolling around, considering the fact that you’d been in the picture for almost a year, I wanted to get you a gift.  It was not an extravagant purchase, but it was not cheap, and I thought it was a good choice all things considered.  I gave it to you when we got back from the wedding (exactly one week before Christmas Day), and I remember that you looked really surprised when I gave it to you.  I just assumed you were surprised because the box was large.  But, you nonetheless opened the present, accepted it, thanked me for it, and left my house with it.  I got sick the week before Christmas, so I didn’t see you, but I just assumed you’d have some type of gift for me when I saw you next.  I still remember the hurt I felt when I realized later that you did not get me anything, and, even worse, you still did not have the common decency to say anything about it.  If you felt like, for whatever reason—your commitment phobia troubles or whatever else—that our “relationship” was moving in a direction that you did not want it to go in, you should have spoken up when I gave you that gift.  But once again you were too selfish to do so.  You chose to be silent, to treat me like a problem that perhaps if you ignored it, maybe it would go away.  You took the easy way out and it was a rotten thing to do.

Of course you weren’t done jerking me around (and obviously I wasn’t done receiving the emotional abuse), so your behavior on New Year’s eve and our subsequent meeting a few days later were so puzzling, troubling, and bizarre.  You had never been kinder to me than you were on NYE or been more willing to share information about yourself—you really seemed to open up with your words, your feelings, and your actions.  You truly seemed like you were allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone else.  Despite how much you’d hurt my feelings about the gift, it was a wonderful night, probably the best I’d ever spent with you.  I actually believed you were displaying some true, authentic feelings of caring and perhaps something deeper for me. 

But when I asked you to clarify your recent behavior a few days later, I was met with the closed off version of yourself that I’d come to know.  The one who told me that he didn’t think things were going in the right direction, which was so shocking to me considering your actions just a few nights before.  When I asked you what had changed, you could not articulate one thing, one event, one action that caused you to feel differently.  You told me that it was not an issue of there being someone else in the picture.  You just said that you didn’t feel as good about things as you had previously, and this is where you finally stepped up and said this, that you didn’t want me to think that “this may be going somewhere when it may not be.”  You were willing to tell the story of the girl you dated on and off for 4 years.  I found that story just as puzzling as your behavior with me.  You said that it takes you such a long time to know if you even want to date anyone exclusively, and that one day after having dated this other girl on and off for a period of time, you said you just “knew” that you wanted to be with her.  From the rest of the story, I gather that you dated her roughly the final two years you were in law school, yet you broke things off with her when you were preparing to move to take your current job because this girl was going to be making a second move for you and you said that this would probably have led to you all living together, maybe getting engaged and you just weren’t ready for that.  So, when push came to shove, when it was time to make a decision about where your relationship was going to go (i.e. really making a commitment or not) you bailed.  That sounds very familiar.

I eventually told you that I didn’t want to see you anymore.  It became clear to me that someone else was in your home, you were becoming a little less responsive with phone calls, etc.  I had always known that, due to your work schedule, it would be very hard for you to keep in constant contact/see two women at one time, and see them enough to keep them happy, as well as do everything else you wanted to do.  And clearly I was right, you revealed yourself, as your attentions were diverted and you had less time for me. 

I don’t know what happened with us.  I don’t know if you felt “afraid” in a sense and your commitment phobia kicked in and that led you to emotionally withdraw and turn your attentions elsewhere.  I don’t know if you just got bored and wanted a new challenge or if you happened to randomly meet someone who you found interesting and the “man-whore” within you emerged and took over and replaced the man who at one time seemed to be moving in the direction of a monogamous relationship.

I was deeply, deeply pained and saddened when I stopped seeing you.  I wanted things to work out.  I missed you terribly, but I was so tired of you not giving me the time, attention, and basic decent behavior that I deserved.  I could not tolerate it any longer.  It was very said and truly disappointing to realize that you were not the humble, giving, wonderful man (at least not completely) that I had always believed you to be.  It has been even sadder to say goodbye to my hopes of having a future with you because, in you, I really saw and believed I had found the man with whom I not only cared for, but believed I would grow to love, the man that I connected with so well, felt I could be myself around, a man who I was very proud of, and a man who I wanted to give my support, friendship, and warmth to.  However, and it is still very painful for me to admit this, but considering your treatment of me at times, you are not deserving of all of my wonderful qualities.

I know that you are now dating someone else.  It appears from the pictures that I have seen that you seem to really like her.  I have to admit that I felt somewhat vindicated when I saw your pictures from Halloween and realized that you were out with your sister and this new girl was not with you and on Friday when I was at the Christmas Party, and I saw you show up with your sister, saw her leave the party about halfway through, and not fifteen minutes later the new girl shows up (that’s just a little too convenient).  Maybe I’m wrong, but I do not believe that they just happened to miss each other, I believe that was planned.  It seems that your behavior patterns are still there, as you don’t want your dates interacting with your sister.  I guess that means they’re getting too close.  Someone wisely pointed out to me that, although you may like this girl right now, perhaps even like her more than you liked me, she’s obviously not important enough to you because you did not arrive at this event with her.  You arrived with your sister (lame) and made this girl bring herself to the party (I guess it’s always possible that she had a commitment earlier in the evening and agreed to meet you there, but like I said it’s just a little too convenient that your sister left shortly before she got there).  You’re still doing the same old thing.

There is a part of me that dislikes the thought that you may well be more into this girl than you were into me.  I wish that it didn’t bother me so much but it does.  Part of it clearly has to do with how deeply painful rejection is to me, and I think it’s also so painful because I know that I will never have the relationship with you that I wanted.  I think you should be aware that this is also a reflection of how much you hurt me. 

In closing I’ll tell you that I feel sorry for you.  I don’t know what the future holds for you in terms of relationships and finding a life partner, but it would probably be the shock of my life if you had a long, successful, happy marriage.  You have extreme difficulty being vulnerable with people, you have some very selfish tendencies, and, as has been described to me by some of the people in my life who have a lot more life experience, I believe that you fall in that category of men (and yes they exist) who can’t be happy with one woman, at least not long term.  As soon as you get bored or someone else comes along who catches your eye, no matter how much you may genuinely care for the person you may be dating, engaged to, married to at the time, you will be on the hunt again and will act on it.  And I think you are so lacking in the ability to engage in introspective thought, or you don’t care, or you actually see yourself as so special, and so wonderful, and so awesome that you have some sense of entitlement such that you can justify this behavior as acceptable to yourself, or maybe some combination of all of these things that you will be unable to stop yourself from acting on those urges.  That’s very sad because I’ve always believed that you want a happy, successful home with a wife and children because it was obvious how important your family is to you. 

Now that I’m done raking you over the coals, so to speak, I do want to acknowledge that I believe you did genuinely care for me at some point during the time I dated you.  And, based on some of your subsequent behaviors, I have further suspicion that there were some feelings there of some sort.  I also want to thank you for the help you gave me with my career search and the encouragement you gave me.  I always believed that to be genuine, and it was very much appreciated. 

You have some really outstanding qualities, without question, but you have some serious failings in your personal life. I just wish I had been more willing to evaluate you based on the “whole picture” instead of choosing to focus on only the good things and ignoring what I didn’t want to face.  I also wish you had been a better man, had more emotional integrity, and had just been plainly, simply, directly honest with me much earlier on, rather than me essentially having to drag it out of you. 

And, as much as you hurt me, I truly don’t wish some fire and brimstone evilness on you out of revenge.  There’s been this little part of me (the vindictive part of my personality) that has wanted some misfortune to befall you, but that has much less to do with you and much more to do with a very unattractive part of my personality that I need to work on, that I wish were not there, and, in fact, I think plays a big part in why I’m still harping on this situation almost a year later.  We all deserve to be happy, and we all want that.  I do hope you’ll find that in your personal life, and I certainly want it in mine.

Goodbye,

From the person who is still hurting   

Mommy Dearest

I love my parents dearly.  They definitely made their mistakes as parents/adults/individuals which had an effect on me as a child and have affected me as an adult.  For the most part, I think (and I hope) I've forgiven them for it.  In the limited way I am able to understand, I realize that parenting does not come with an instruction manual and that life is really challenging. 

I still, however, have my struggles with my parents' behaviors (past and present), and we get into disagreements from time to time.  So, when this occurs, I put my parents in "time-out."  Doing so gives me enough time away from them (no phone calls, visits, e-mails, skyping, text messages, you name it) such that I am soon thereafter able to be kind and loving towards them again...and all is well and right in the world!!!  (Note the sacrasm). 

The e-mail exchange below was a recent one between my Mother and me (she's a lovely, just lovely woman but lives in an alternate reality).  Why don't you guess how long I put my Mother in time out after this "letter-writing" campaign I made the mistake of engaging in with her!!!!

From: HVPP>

To: Mother>

Sent: Wednesday, February 15, 2012 11:17 PM

Subject:

I know you're tired of hearing a/b this, and I won't bring it up

anymore, but there's one thing that I just don't get...literally, I

can't intellectually comprehend this...can't mentally grasp this.  You

are a pretty smart person and generally know what you're talking a/b

so that's why I wanted to go ahead and ask your thoughts.

I finally removed all of the pictures I had of he who shall not be

named from facebook and defriended him (the only person I've ever

defriended) because I was tired of seeing all of the crap of him and

his new girlfriend.  But here's the thing I don't get.  From all the

stuff I've seen, he apparently spends wayyyyy more time with her than

he did with me, let's her hang around with and interact with her

sister, and apparently treats her a lot better than he treated me

(i.e. like he should treat her).  Why does he treat her so well but

didn't treat me very nicely?  I don't get that.  Is he someone who

thinks it's ok to use and abuse the people who are expendable to him

rather than treating all people in a consistent respectful manner?

I just don't understand.  Why couldn't I have been treated like I was

special?  I've never felt very special.

 On Thu, Feb 16, 2012 at 1:05 AM, Mother> wrote:

I do have thoughts on this, but of course that is all they are, my personal thoughts. I can think of several reasons this could have occurred. It is possible all my theories are incorrect, but I suspect I am at least partially on the right track. It also might be a combination of things. I will be glad to offer you thoughts when I have time, but do not at the moment. I had eye surgery at Duke this morning, and return for another procedure tomorrow morning. I am exhausted, was up entirely too late last night, and cannot deal with this at the moment. I am glad you have physically removed reminders of him. Your more difficult project is removing him mentally. I will give you my best advice on this matter, but ask that you not bring this young man up to me again, ever. Because he is such a creep, it hurts and affects me whenever I must concentrate on him. I don't need anymore hurt in my life. And neither do you. I will address this as soon as I am able. Please blow out his candle darling. It has been burning entirely too long. Hope you liked the shirt I brought you.

From: HVPP>;

To: Mother>;

Subject: Re:

I'm sorry to hear about your eye.  I hope the new doctor will be able to fix it.   I'm not trying to bug you or upset you.  But I don't think you understand why I continue to be so upset (I'm not entirely sure I understand it) and why I try to talk to you about it.  I don't really have anyone to talk to.  Dad is so noncommunicative, nothing more need be said; [Sister] is so emotionally detached and on some level isn't a very nice person, I really don't want to talk to her, she can't relate to other people's problems and is completely useless in that regard; [Grandmother] is becoming more grumbly and unpleasant and has really hurt my feelings recently; [other Grandmother] was the one person I always talked to but she's dead, and I can't call her up anymore and talk to her about my problems; so that leaves you, although in recent months I've felt like I really have to compete with your interest in your phone and conversations with your cousins and friends to actually interact with you.   There are a couple of reasons I think my feelings continue to be so hurt over your know who.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've never felt very special, and I feel like I've been rejected many times in my life.  Our home life growing up wasn't terrible, but I would not describe it as happy.  There were always so many problems and so much drama and angst.  There was never a sustained feeling of things being "OK," things being "good".  And I think this has really affected me as an adult.  I've never felt very special or felt like any group really wanted me; the majority of the feelings I remember are negative ones (problems at home, being rejected at school, being cut from all of the sororities, being rejected from all of the jobs---i.e. not wanted).  So, I finally thought I'd met someone really special, and it was a very exciting feeling.  But instead, it just turned out to be another case of me not being wanted or not being good enough.  And now it appears that someone else has entered the picture who is special enough and good enough for this person, and that just really stings and makes it hurt even more. Sorry if any of this has upset you, that's not what I wanted.  It's also not necessary for you to respond (in all candor, I just don't want to read a lengthy response if you're going to describe how I have somehow hurt your feelings (I don't mean any offense by that, but it just seems like that's how it always goes)).   I hope your eye feels better.              

 On Thu, Feb 16, 2012 at 11:53 AM, Mother> wrote:

I am now on my way home from Duke. The problem is with both of my eyes. I have been in excrciating pain for years. Per my usual MO I have suffered in silence, but no longer. Could we arrange to meet for dinner or a weekend lunch to discuss this situation? There are things I would like to offer to the conversation that I have just discovered, that might shed more light on the situation from your perspective.

From: HVPP>

To: Mother>

Sent: Thursday, February 16, 2012 1:01 PM

Subject: Re: Re:

Well, I'm somewhat leery a/b talking to you further about this b/c you seem so angry that I brought it up.  I don't want to meet you out for lunch just to get some kind of lecture on how I've somehow hurt your feelings or am somehow bothering you by trying to reach out for a sympathetic ear.  But if you actually have helpful and non-judgmental things to say and the conversation is strictly about me and my problems and nothing and no one else then lunch is fine.

Mother

Feb 16 (5 days ago)

to HVPP

Let us not plan on that then. I had no intention on lecturing you, or suggesting you were bothering me. Your father offered me an explanation for the rather reprehensible way in which he has treated me the majority of the time we have been married night before last. Of course I realize this has had a negative affect on you and your sister, but felt powerless until recently to do anything to curtail it. I was going to share this information with you, hoping it might in some way help you better understand why our home was not a very happy place as you were growing up. But that would be bringing me into the conversation, and I'm very tired of you suggesting that whenever I make reference to myself, I am trying to make everything about me. So let's just forget I mentioned getting together. I have had quite an ordeal the past two days, and am going to bed to rest for a while. I will be in touch with you later.

From: HVPP>
To: Mother>
Sent: Thursday, February 16, 2012 3:33 PM
Subject: Re: Re:

I'm not even sure how to respond to this.  If you have information you think will be helpful for me, especially considering all the problems I've had and had growing up in that environment, I don't undersand why you don't just suck it up and tell me, particularly if you think it might help me now.  I mean [sister] doesn't even like you and Dad very much, and I've heard that straight from the horse's mouth, so don't alienate your one child that still does want to interact with you.  You are both responsible for a lot of my problems, so please stop partially ignoring me, stop talking about whatever physically hurts on you when you should be focusing on your child who is hurting, stop brushing me aside in favor of your phone and/or other people, and try and make up for the crazy/emotionally damaging household environment I had to grow up in with Dad's anger and your theatrics.  I'm so sorry if this hurts your feelings, you've got to know that besides your sisters, I'm the one person who doesn't want to do that.  But I'm tired of beating around the bush with you about how I feel and about how your behavior/dad's behavior/[sister]'s behavior/[Grandmother's] behavior/anyone's behavior makes me feel.  I'm too young to be this unhappy.


Mother
Feb 16 (5 days ago)
to me

Please stop doing this to me. You say you want my thoughts, but you don't want me to mention myself. I have information your father just offered me, when I confronted him that might help you better understand why, and what some of the reasons were that lead to the unhappiness in our home. How can I offer this without inserting myself into the conversation? I love you more than life, but you're killing me here. I want to help you, but am afraid to open my mouth for fear something I say might be misconstrued as a selfish interest on my part. Stop criticizing me! I practically killed myself working, and doing everything I possibly could to enable you to go to private school, buy you cars, made crap for you teachers, kissed every ass I could for you. What do you want from me? So [your sister] doesn't like me? Thank you for making me feel about as badly as you possibly could. How uplifting. To be made aware a child whom you have loved, and adored doesn't like you? What did I do to deserve this cruel punishment from you? I am sorry you are hurt. I would give up everything I have to make that go away. Right now you are stabbing me, and grinding the knife in deeper, and deeper. I did the very best I could for you under extremely difficult circumstances. You are not the only person with serious problems. There is a reason I was declared legally medically disabled. I am never not in pain, physical or emotional. I am now turning off my phone, so I can get some rest. Hurt my feelings? Move your focus off yourself long enough to imagine how your words impact others.