He Who Shall Not Be Named

An "anonymous" letter I wrote to the man who broke my heart (I never sent it).  I think it speaks volumes about the damage he did to me.  But, I'm happy to share that I am moving on, and I'm glad that I don't have this toxic man in my life anymore.  I deserved and still deserve so much better.  [FYI, I run into him frequently and a tiny little part of me wants to ask him "What in the hell is your problem?"]  Yeeeeppp, this all caused me to do a lot of drinking and thinking!!

Dear He Who Shall Not Be Named:

I wanted and needed to write this letter for several months, and I’ve seriously tried to sit down and write it many times.  But, the thought of putting down on paper all of the thoughts, emotions, and feelings that I feel I need to express to you was very overwhelming.  However, I’ve finally gotten to the point in my life where I need to express what I am feeling so that I can move on and so that you will just become a distant memory of my past. 

While I believe our society uses the term “broken-heart” very loosely and without being careful to define what it really is, I want you to know that you, your behavior, your decisions, and your lack of forthrightness caused me deep, deep pain and broke my heart.  When I began dating you, I had never felt such interest in a man before.  It was so exciting—the frequent wonder of what might become from dating you, trying to get to know you, and, so I believed at the time, (I’ll never know for sure if this was authentic or fictitious) that belief that a handsome, successful, charming, smart, socially aware man really liked me. 

But I can see now as I write this that you mostly just enjoyed my company and that was it for you.  I don’t think you ever seriously considered any kind of deeper relationship with me.  And this makes me very angry and makes me feel and believe that I was taken advantage of—not because you did not consider something deeper, but because I made a sincere effort to be up front with you from the beginning about what I was looking for and what I was not looking for.  I was not an experienced dater when I met you and you certainly were.  And while I don’t believe you maliciously used this to your advantage, I do believe that you just naturally took advantage of this fact to selfishly string me along because you knew you could get away with it, even though I told you that I was looking to date one person, was not just out for a good time, and wanted to spend more time with you.  We’re both smart, intelligent people, and I have no doubt that it was obvious to you what I was looking for.

I should have called it quits with you after I finished the bar exam.  At that time I had been seeing you for around 8 months and there had been no formal declaration of a “relationship;” you would still from time to time rudely not return a phone call or text message; go off and do your own thing with your friends on the weekends/weeknights whenever you wanted to and then tried to fit me in on short notice when it was convenient to you (and you expected me to just come running and often seemed annoyed when I said “no, I’m sorry, tomorrow is not going to work for me, I’m busy with something else); you never expressed any interest in introducing me to any members of your family, not even your sister.  As I write this now, it seems so clear that you feel that your work, your family, and your little circle of friends are the main thing in your life (that’s not unusual it’s that way for most people) but that everyone else exists to suit your needs when it’s convenient for you.

Unfortunately, for reasons that included loneliness and boredom because I was not working, basic hope, and that part of my personality that will not let me concede defeat until I am absolutely certain that a situation is completely hopeless, I chose to continue to try to move forward with you.  And this is the point where I really believe you should have behaved differently out of basic human decency, honesty, and consideration for another person’s feelings.  The fact that you did not means that you are either unable to consider other people’s feelings/needs in conjunction with your own and/or put their feelings and needs ahead of yours in order to “do the right thing” based on the situation (which of course means you may have to be willing to choose to give something up or do without) or it means you are so selfish/self-absorbed and/or emotionally deficient that you are unable to recognize a situation when you should do this, or it means that you do not care—and none of these possibilities is good.

I had a conversation with you in September 2010 where I told you that we’d been seeing each other for several months and that I wanted to see you more and told you that you were important to me.  I was encouraged by this conversation because you responded and explained why you often had to schedule on short notice (information that I did not have previously) and it really seemed like you were making an effort.  Admittedly while there was no formal declaration of a relationship, after this conversation we started seeing each other more during the week and calling more on the phone.  It was actually a really happy time for me.  I really felt desired, really felt like you were finally recognizing how great I am, and was really hopeful as to what might be in the future because we seemed to connect really well and there was such good chemistry between us. 

But then November arrived, and at some point that month it became clear to me that something had changed.  You started to seem less responsive than you had in the previous weeks and while I never said anything to you about it, I essentially turned on my radar to be on the lookout for signs that you were seeing someone else.  I am many things but naïve is not one of them.  By the way, I know you think you are so smart and so much smarter than me, and that’s all probably true, but, you never got to know me well enough to realize that I have a phenomenal memory—not photographic, but close to that level.  And, because I am a woman, I am so detailed oriented that nothing gets past me.  I may not notice something immediately, but I will notice it eventually.  So, it soon became clear to me that there was very likely someone else in your home during the in between times when I was not there (when you’ve been in someone’s home enough you notice things, and I began to notice when items had been moved and/or touched ever so slightly such that it was obvious another person had been there). 

The beginning of the end came when I discovered that you were on a very popular dating website.  I remember the truly physically sick feeling I had when I saw your profile on there.  It was so shocking and so hurtful I can’t describe it.  I’ll just say it’s a feeling that I hope I never experience again in my life.  Technically you had done nothing wrong by being on there or continuing to be on there while seeing me.  You had never made any formal commitment to me.  However, I believe the “right” thing to do, the “honorable” thing to do in accordance with basic standards of human decency would have been to tell me, when we talked in September and I told you that you were important to me and that I wanted to see you more and you indicated that you were receptive to this, would have been to let me know that you weren’t ready to be exclusive and that I should be aware of that and to tell me that you just wanted me to know so that you didn’t mislead me.  Having that information then would have helped.  I don’t know if I would have stopped seeing you, but, I would have been more aware and I think I would have been spared a lot of the really intense pain I ended up experiencing.  But, I suppose you’re just one of those people who felt that you weren’t required to share this information with me, that you weren’t doing anything wrong, and, most importantly, didn’t have the concern for another person’s feelings (especially when it was so obvious how much that person liked you) such that you felt no obligation to be as upfront as possible.  That’s a very poor reflection of your character and how you treat people, and it’s just further confirmation that at your core if you have to choose between yourself and someone else, you’ll pick yourself every time.  You are a very selfish person.

Of course, the pain didn’t end there, because I found out that you were invited to your friend’s wedding and had not made any plans to take me as your date (this after a year of dating), and then a few days later turned around and invited me.  I’m still not sure why you did that.  I suppose now it’s because you realized I was starting to figure things out and that you were going to have to step it up a little bit to keep me happy and keep me around.  Additionally, I wasn’t aware of it until a few weeks later, but right around the time I told you that I cared about you and specifically told you not to hurt me, you went out to eat dinner with a former girlfriend.  And, while I was not there, whatever you said or did, you left her with the impression that the two of you were getting back together.  All the while, you’re still seeing me, and the two of us show up together at the a  Christmas party where the former girlfriend is also in attendance, and she gets a horrible shock when she realizes that you’ve been dating me this whole time and that we’ve come to this party together, all right in front of her.  Sadly, I can all too well relate to the shock and hurt she obviously felt when she saw this.

I think what may have been the most painful thing you did, though, had to be the Christmas present incident.  You set the tone for gift giving by giving me a present for my law school graduation and for my birthday.  They were gifts that were perfectly appropriate for the occasion.  So, with Christmas rolling around, considering the fact that you’d been in the picture for almost a year, I wanted to get you a gift.  It was not an extravagant purchase, but it was not cheap, and I thought it was a good choice all things considered.  I gave it to you when we got back from the wedding (exactly one week before Christmas Day), and I remember that you looked really surprised when I gave it to you.  I just assumed you were surprised because the box was large.  But, you nonetheless opened the present, accepted it, thanked me for it, and left my house with it.  I got sick the week before Christmas, so I didn’t see you, but I just assumed you’d have some type of gift for me when I saw you next.  I still remember the hurt I felt when I realized later that you did not get me anything, and, even worse, you still did not have the common decency to say anything about it.  If you felt like, for whatever reason—your commitment phobia troubles or whatever else—that our “relationship” was moving in a direction that you did not want it to go in, you should have spoken up when I gave you that gift.  But once again you were too selfish to do so.  You chose to be silent, to treat me like a problem that perhaps if you ignored it, maybe it would go away.  You took the easy way out and it was a rotten thing to do.

Of course you weren’t done jerking me around (and obviously I wasn’t done receiving the emotional abuse), so your behavior on New Year’s eve and our subsequent meeting a few days later were so puzzling, troubling, and bizarre.  You had never been kinder to me than you were on NYE or been more willing to share information about yourself—you really seemed to open up with your words, your feelings, and your actions.  You truly seemed like you were allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone else.  Despite how much you’d hurt my feelings about the gift, it was a wonderful night, probably the best I’d ever spent with you.  I actually believed you were displaying some true, authentic feelings of caring and perhaps something deeper for me. 

But when I asked you to clarify your recent behavior a few days later, I was met with the closed off version of yourself that I’d come to know.  The one who told me that he didn’t think things were going in the right direction, which was so shocking to me considering your actions just a few nights before.  When I asked you what had changed, you could not articulate one thing, one event, one action that caused you to feel differently.  You told me that it was not an issue of there being someone else in the picture.  You just said that you didn’t feel as good about things as you had previously, and this is where you finally stepped up and said this, that you didn’t want me to think that “this may be going somewhere when it may not be.”  You were willing to tell the story of the girl you dated on and off for 4 years.  I found that story just as puzzling as your behavior with me.  You said that it takes you such a long time to know if you even want to date anyone exclusively, and that one day after having dated this other girl on and off for a period of time, you said you just “knew” that you wanted to be with her.  From the rest of the story, I gather that you dated her roughly the final two years you were in law school, yet you broke things off with her when you were preparing to move to take your current job because this girl was going to be making a second move for you and you said that this would probably have led to you all living together, maybe getting engaged and you just weren’t ready for that.  So, when push came to shove, when it was time to make a decision about where your relationship was going to go (i.e. really making a commitment or not) you bailed.  That sounds very familiar.

I eventually told you that I didn’t want to see you anymore.  It became clear to me that someone else was in your home, you were becoming a little less responsive with phone calls, etc.  I had always known that, due to your work schedule, it would be very hard for you to keep in constant contact/see two women at one time, and see them enough to keep them happy, as well as do everything else you wanted to do.  And clearly I was right, you revealed yourself, as your attentions were diverted and you had less time for me. 

I don’t know what happened with us.  I don’t know if you felt “afraid” in a sense and your commitment phobia kicked in and that led you to emotionally withdraw and turn your attentions elsewhere.  I don’t know if you just got bored and wanted a new challenge or if you happened to randomly meet someone who you found interesting and the “man-whore” within you emerged and took over and replaced the man who at one time seemed to be moving in the direction of a monogamous relationship.

I was deeply, deeply pained and saddened when I stopped seeing you.  I wanted things to work out.  I missed you terribly, but I was so tired of you not giving me the time, attention, and basic decent behavior that I deserved.  I could not tolerate it any longer.  It was very said and truly disappointing to realize that you were not the humble, giving, wonderful man (at least not completely) that I had always believed you to be.  It has been even sadder to say goodbye to my hopes of having a future with you because, in you, I really saw and believed I had found the man with whom I not only cared for, but believed I would grow to love, the man that I connected with so well, felt I could be myself around, a man who I was very proud of, and a man who I wanted to give my support, friendship, and warmth to.  However, and it is still very painful for me to admit this, but considering your treatment of me at times, you are not deserving of all of my wonderful qualities.

I know that you are now dating someone else.  It appears from the pictures that I have seen that you seem to really like her.  I have to admit that I felt somewhat vindicated when I saw your pictures from Halloween and realized that you were out with your sister and this new girl was not with you and on Friday when I was at the Christmas Party, and I saw you show up with your sister, saw her leave the party about halfway through, and not fifteen minutes later the new girl shows up (that’s just a little too convenient).  Maybe I’m wrong, but I do not believe that they just happened to miss each other, I believe that was planned.  It seems that your behavior patterns are still there, as you don’t want your dates interacting with your sister.  I guess that means they’re getting too close.  Someone wisely pointed out to me that, although you may like this girl right now, perhaps even like her more than you liked me, she’s obviously not important enough to you because you did not arrive at this event with her.  You arrived with your sister (lame) and made this girl bring herself to the party (I guess it’s always possible that she had a commitment earlier in the evening and agreed to meet you there, but like I said it’s just a little too convenient that your sister left shortly before she got there).  You’re still doing the same old thing.

There is a part of me that dislikes the thought that you may well be more into this girl than you were into me.  I wish that it didn’t bother me so much but it does.  Part of it clearly has to do with how deeply painful rejection is to me, and I think it’s also so painful because I know that I will never have the relationship with you that I wanted.  I think you should be aware that this is also a reflection of how much you hurt me. 

In closing I’ll tell you that I feel sorry for you.  I don’t know what the future holds for you in terms of relationships and finding a life partner, but it would probably be the shock of my life if you had a long, successful, happy marriage.  You have extreme difficulty being vulnerable with people, you have some very selfish tendencies, and, as has been described to me by some of the people in my life who have a lot more life experience, I believe that you fall in that category of men (and yes they exist) who can’t be happy with one woman, at least not long term.  As soon as you get bored or someone else comes along who catches your eye, no matter how much you may genuinely care for the person you may be dating, engaged to, married to at the time, you will be on the hunt again and will act on it.  And I think you are so lacking in the ability to engage in introspective thought, or you don’t care, or you actually see yourself as so special, and so wonderful, and so awesome that you have some sense of entitlement such that you can justify this behavior as acceptable to yourself, or maybe some combination of all of these things that you will be unable to stop yourself from acting on those urges.  That’s very sad because I’ve always believed that you want a happy, successful home with a wife and children because it was obvious how important your family is to you. 

Now that I’m done raking you over the coals, so to speak, I do want to acknowledge that I believe you did genuinely care for me at some point during the time I dated you.  And, based on some of your subsequent behaviors, I have further suspicion that there were some feelings there of some sort.  I also want to thank you for the help you gave me with my career search and the encouragement you gave me.  I always believed that to be genuine, and it was very much appreciated. 

You have some really outstanding qualities, without question, but you have some serious failings in your personal life. I just wish I had been more willing to evaluate you based on the “whole picture” instead of choosing to focus on only the good things and ignoring what I didn’t want to face.  I also wish you had been a better man, had more emotional integrity, and had just been plainly, simply, directly honest with me much earlier on, rather than me essentially having to drag it out of you. 

And, as much as you hurt me, I truly don’t wish some fire and brimstone evilness on you out of revenge.  There’s been this little part of me (the vindictive part of my personality) that has wanted some misfortune to befall you, but that has much less to do with you and much more to do with a very unattractive part of my personality that I need to work on, that I wish were not there, and, in fact, I think plays a big part in why I’m still harping on this situation almost a year later.  We all deserve to be happy, and we all want that.  I do hope you’ll find that in your personal life, and I certainly want it in mine.

Goodbye,

From the person who is still hurting